Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Going on Blast

So... it's my birthday, and once again I've put a ton of hours into making something for you to love. (See how you can thank me at the bottom of this post.)

Earlier in the year I met a girl from the internet. She was hyper conservative and uncomfortable around black people.

She forgot that she gave me her blog address, and consequently had no idea I was reading the shit she was posting about me.

Had her blogs been better written - (far) more accurate - accounts of what happened, the posts probably would not have been that interesting.

Fortunately, shitty people exist!

So, I have made dramatic readings of her posts.

Dramatic Reading of a Dating Blog Vol. 1

Dramatic Reading of a Dating Blog Vol. 2

Dramatic Reading of a Dating Blog Vol. 3

This girl seems to be pretty optimistic that one day her blog will turn into a best selling paper back. My fantasy is that some network intern will find these videos and fly me out as a surprise guest on some morning-show where we'll give a tandem interview, promoting her book. Then later that night, in a hotel near 30Rock, she and I will bury the hatchet over cocktails in the lounge. And, if RomCom's have taught me anything, it's that we'll end up in her room, where I will make love to her... Begrudgingly!

So! For my bday, please pick a side and leave a comment on her blog.


Reposting this would be the shit too.

Monday, March 21, 2011

My Crappy Week

Click images to enlarge.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Pics from my phone.

I have a crappy phone. Remember when you had a crappy phone and you used to have to clear your sms memory every few days?

This is me pretty much cleaning out the pictures.

A 200 pound face made of pure white chocolate.

A close friend's Epic Driver's Lic.

Raging party with the Bunns: Rush and tackle in the coi pond

Raging party with the Bunns: Staple kid in the local scene gets faded into a cross-eyed coma, - like - at all their parties.

Raging party with the Bunns: Vomit and Cake in the coi pond.

Raging party with the Bunns: Night ends with a jovial round of property damage. (He was whining that he wanted to remodel his kitchen, so we talked him into it)

Prescription antiperspirant from when I was a teen with a blazing-fast metabolism.

Drinking fountain at work

Cousin graduated the 6th grade and we made him think we got him a stupid book.

I shaved my body hair to form a sweet 6 pack.

Cousin's outy

Photo from college.

Me doing a contrived boxer's pose in a friend's painting.

Me again (I think it's the same painting)

Me again. The kitchen was too small for me to snap a photo of the whole painting.

When I lost weight, I stayed in baggy clothes just to show my friends this after pic, irl.

I threw up the phone number for the US Congressional Switch board. (save it to your phone under "Congress")

A single mom cancelled our date at the last minute so we switched it to a phone date. (Title: Table for One)

My valentines mural

Thank god fortune cookies are free

Shot this to a girl on valentines. She tests the blood for the blood bank. I figured I'd stick heart stickers to my viles so she'd get them at the lab. The supervisor at the blood bank wasn't having it.

In my recent post Pop Goes The Ego a girl made me feel a little self conscious. I took this pic so to pick on her and accuse her of making me feel self conscious.

I threw up one of those backdrops that they use in police lineups.

Close friend made his own manifold to light up the Tacoma glass-art scene. It makes the cutest burping noise.

Internet girl shot me a snap of one of her paintings. Then later, she sorta spun me out. (I learned nothing!)

This was the pic I showed to the blood bank supervisor. "See," I said. "I was planning to put the heart stickers up where it won't interfere with the instruments." The supervisor was shocked and wanted to know the name of the employee who sent me that pic. I kept a tight lip and girly still has a job.

Some loud art at Seatac International. My phone compressed it down to a thumb nail for some reason.

My phone sucks, but this was an acrylic painting at the Seattle Art Museum. The colors were really vivid and distinct.

I tried to copy that painting with spray paint.

I wasted my money on some spray paint intended for metal. I made it work.

Fall color phase.

Thanksgiving mural.

Took a shot at the galaxy crap.

I've sent this to girls I've never met. And then they'd meet me.

Xmas mural

Girly in Olympia lives in one of her dad's houses and just doesn't give a f***

You need to have played Robot Unicorn to get this.

Girly locked me out of her building at 4:am. I had no clue why. I found this mark on my arm and got super worried that I had forgotten some sort of altercation. If so, then she also blacked it out, so I think I'm safe.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Pop Goes The Ego

Okay fuckers, this is the pic on my dating profile:

Yes, it's from 2007.

The way I roll on internet dating sites is I keep my profile hidden. That keeps my face from being associated with the other douche bags online. If you've never been on a dating site, you should really take note. Girls get TONS of mail from douche bags. Girls don't usually write back to douche bags. A large percentage of douche bags get frustrated and start sending butt hurt emails.

So basically, girls log into dating sites. They find themselves in a sea of douche bags, they read douchey, butt hurt messages which call them "stuck up," and "vapid." Then they click on your profile and go "This guy must also be a douche bag."

Fair enough.

I keep my shit hidden so that doesn't happen to me.

When I see a girl I like, I send a simple " ;) " and that's all.

Sure you can read a girl's profile. Sure, you can write some bullshit to make a girl think you're awesome. But, why waste the effort if they're not gonna write back?

I just send a simple winky-face, and 1 in 8 girls write back.

Here's a girl who responded to my winky-face.

Her name is Siobhan (pronounced: Sheh-Von)

Certainly no divergence between the two pictures. (PFFFFT)

I talk her into going out with me.

She was super hesitant to give me her phone number, but I finally got a text at work:


Hey 6 at trudys tonight?


Yup. :)
Do you get picture text?




Hi Siobhan!

Grainy but current. :)


You dnt look like person in profile


Never heard that before.


Maybe cause its a profile and not head on shot. But from that picture im not interested. Which sounds mean but its true and i dnt wanna have you drive down here for nothing.


no that's not mean. I was just shooting you the pic so you could see what I was wearing so you'd know me when I walked in. You want a better pic we'll take a couple where I'm smiling. don't fret over a rushed snap shot from the men's room. trust me.


Sorry. I wont be showing up tonight



Me (half hour later):

Don't feel bad. it's perfectly in bounds to be skittish in the context of first dates. :) it's alright if you need to cancel.


I need to cancel.


Yeah, we covered that, lol.


Oh okay just making sure aren't making the trip for nothing.


I meant don't feel bad for cancelling.



Me (1 hour later):




Based on my experience, that writing on the wall is nothing short of true. ;)


I'm not gonna push the meeting up thing, I'm already home. But ou should poor yourself a glass of wine and we'll chat on the phone. :)


Oh really? Okay


Do you want me to call you now, or wait until 6 as planned?


What? Why would you call?


You just said okay, to the phone proposal. check your texts. ;)


I didn't see that msg


Yeah well how are you feelin' it?


I'm not much of a talker... esp on the phone.


[silent treatment]